Layers of God’s Faithfulness

Filed in answered prayers, Encouragement, faith, Grace, Grief by on May 20, 2017

There are many layers to being a single parent and even more so, a single mother. Layers that I had never thought through or expected. It’s more than just getting through the day to day tasks. It’s all aspects of living life on your own.

When Charles died there are many things that I “lost” in that moment beyond him being my husband and best friend. Two things that were also lost in that moment was the leader of our home and head of our household, and my greatest accountability partner.

Saturday I decided to take the kids to the safari park which is a drive and walk thru zoo. The drive thru part is 5 miles. And as we just started out we passed through the beginning and then came to a dead stop as the cars were backed up. We had been there in that one place for about 15 minutes when all of a sudden, Charles threw up. He threw up all over Jenny and the car and himself. It was awful. Poor guy. After flagging down someone to help us get out of the park which took about 20 minutes, we pulled into the parking lot to strip him down. Once we got home we got him cleaned up just in time for him to throw up again all over his high chair. At the point, I was completely worn out and overwhelmed by the situation. Jenny thought it was something she had done to cause it. And as she stammered off words of forgiveness, I uttered phrases about it not having anything to do with her in a tone that I have not heard myself use in a very long time. 

It was a tone of voice that instantly made me ashamed

Later that night I began the hour long cleaning process of the van. I was completely overwhelmed. I was completely grieved at my actions and I was so overcome with my situation. I missed my accountability partner who with just a quick wink could stop me from harsh tones and “over excitement” before they went any further. I missed having a leader of my home so that the weight of every decision and indecision was not just fully on my shoulders. And with each scrubbing stroke as I cleaned, my pity party got worse and worse. 

Sunday morning though, our family ministries pastor preached on one of the passages in scripture that as a wife and mother and a woman has always been the cry of my heart – but something so far off from my natural self. 1 Peter 3 where it instructs women to have a gentle and quiet spirit. 

Gentle and quiet. Oh how I have always longed for those words to to be true in my own life but oh how far away they seem to ever be. 

But God reminded me ever so clearly that just as He has worked so powerfully in my life over the past several months to provide for my physical, emotional and spiritual needs, He would also be my accountability partner and leader of my home if I just looked to Him.

If I just looked to Him. 

I was filled with such complete peace and the weight of the burden of leading my family “alone” seemed to be completely lifted. 

And as we drove over to my widow sister’s house, where she and her girls had prepared a huge feast for us widows to celebrate Mother’s Day, I apologized to Jenny. And she was so quick to forgive saying that she knew I was just overwhelmed in the situation. 

I am thankful for forgiveness and “fresh starts.” 

Because of that, even in the lowest of valleys God has given me many mountain top experiences this week where I have had glimpses of the road ahead and have been able to breathe in the clear, crisp mountain air to give me the refreshment that I needed to face the days ahead.

Maybe one day I will be gentle and quiet, and even though I no longer have Charles to wink at me to help me in the moments I need it, I do know that if I look to the Lord, He will do the same and more. 

Even though there are so many layers to living life on my “own” I have also come to know the many layers of God’s faithfulness through the storm. 

“But let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God.” 1 Peter 3:4

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